Postpartum was really hard.
I found it difficult to process the fact that I had unknowingly carried a baby for almost nine months and had her within 48 hours after finding out. I was trying to adjust to my unexpected role of a mother to a newborn I had zero preparation for.
There was surprised and amazement that I had been pregnant without realizing. I was happy that my daughter was born healthy despite having no prenatal care. But there was also sadness in the fact that my life didn’t go according to the plan that I wanted for myself. Not knowing I had been pregnant left me feeling foolish and embarrassed. There was fear that my partner, her father would either not want to be with me because he wasn’t ready for fatherhood or stay with me out of obligation.
My irrational fears and anxiety had never been higher. I was sleep deprived and easily irritated. I was constantly frustrated because I had no clue what I was doing and desperately wanted to get things right the first time. Everything felt like it was magnified by ten.
My partner, my friends, and family were doing their best to help. Their support prevented me from drowning in my own sea of postpartum but I was tired of frantically swimming. I didn’t want to barely survive. I wanted to thrive.
So I sought out postpartum therapy.
In the comfort of my own home while my daughter was sleeping I was able to release my daily struggles to my therapist twice a week. I could talk about how silly I felt sniffling over a Pampers commercial. Venting about my annoyance that my body felt exhausted doing things that before weren’t so exhausting felt freeing. I could share my personal fears and fears I have for my daughter as she grows. Therapy has allowed me to process my feelings associated with the birth and daily care of my daughter. It has pushed me to be kind to myself when I don’t feel like I deserve it.
I continue to go to postpartum therapy and look forward to my weekly meetings. In my first session my therapist asked me what is my goal of therapy. I told her to become secure enough in my motherhood to not need it. She told me that she looked forward to that day. I can’t wait to get there, one therapy session at a time.